2020

*Apologies for bad language*

2020 has been hard. Really bloody hard. Nothing could ever prepare anyone for the events that have occurred this year and I think that is something I need to accept.

January this year my best friend got diagnosed with Leukemia. She is only 15 and I’ve watched her grow up, I see her as a little sister. I was so blindsided by it that it knocked me for weeks, I felt so so sad. I was in a daze not really paying attention to anything that was happening. I was in the middle of rehearsing for a show and I just couldn’t concentrate on anything. It was hard because I wasn’t the one with the diagnoses, I wasn’t in the hospital but the feeling of helplessness was so overwhelming that it completely consumed me. Cancer is such a fucker because not only does it affect the person but the family and friends surrounding that person are affected by it too. It’s one of those things that I would read about on Facebook or on the News but I never expected it to happen so close to home. I got to visit her a couple of times but then Lockdown happened.

The Lockdown that happened in March was life-changing and I honestly don’t think we get enough credit as human beings for getting through it. It was so hard, it still is so hard and I don’t think that enough people realise that literally, everyone was struggling. Everyone was hurting at some point from having a bad day to having a bad couple of months. I really feel for anyone who had to go through it alone, luckily I live with my mum so we had each other, I can’t imagine being alone for that long. I think we should all try and talk to at least one person about how we coped through Lockdown, when I hear that other people cried themselves to sleep most nights I don’t feel alone or embarrassed that I did it too. In a weird way, It’s really comforting to know that other people were feeling sad too because at the time I thought I was overreacting and just being dramatic but I wasn’t. We all felt sad and acknowledging that your feelings weren’t invalid is really helpful to start healing from the effects Lockdown has on all of us.

The part of Lockdown that I suffered with the most was the uncertainty of it all. Not knowing when I could hug my nan or when I could see my friends and crying because I didn’t know when I could see my boyfriend again, were the things that really broke me. I really had to learn to take each day as it comes, to live in the moment and I did struggle with that. I’m a planner I like to know what I’m doing next week and the week after, I don’t like just being in the dark about things. That feeling of uncertainty is still happening now, not knowing if we will go into a full Lockdown again is so scary. I feel like I can’t look forward to anything, but this negative way of thinking is not helpful and I do try to look at everything in a positive light. I’m really proud of myself that I’ve managed to get through these 9 months without having a massive breakdown, at the beginning of this year I really didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, and whilst the light seems a bit dim sometimes, I know it’s there. It’s important to look back at how far you’ve come, really congratulate yourself on all that you’ve been through, not everyone has made it through this year and the fact that you are still here is amazing.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that social media can be really harmful when you are in a dark place. Everyone has something to say about everything and that can be super tough. In Lockdown a lot of people took it upon themselves to judge others without knowing what they were actually going through, me included. It really is true that you never know what someone is going through and that is the biggest lesson I’ve learned during this Lockdown. Everyone goes through something and judging people based on their social media posts gets you and them nowhere. Moving forward I definitely will have to remind myself that people on Social media put on a front and it is absolutely not their real self.

I really think that you have to remember this Pandemic is not going to go away overnight, it’ll take a while. Focus on yourself and you’ll get through it, if you find the news scary, turn it off, if an Instagram post has upset you, unfollow them. Do what is best for you because that’s all you really can do.

I hope everyone who reads this is doing ok, I know it’s a struggle now but I promise it will get better eventually. My DM’s are always open on Insta @letsbecandid_

Peace,

Cadi x