My Mental Health Journey

I read a lot of books when I was younger that were based solely on Mental Health; a lot of them really educated me about depression and anxiety but they also warped my expectations of these illnesses. Every single book I read was about love and how they were sad but meeting their significant other ‘cured’ them; it felt like it was a romantic thing to cry yourself to sleep every night. Which is why I think I ignored my own mental state for years.

I went to a boarding school and shared a room with 5 other girls, so if you did cry yourself to sleep someone would hear you and get into bed with you and tell you it was going to be ok. I was really lucky to share a room with amazing friends who never let me feel alone. Which was why when I did come home on the weekends, I really struggled. It was hard to have to pick myself up when I was feeling down and it was hard to not have a person there 24/7 to keep an eye on me. Before I go further though, I would like to say my mum has always been there, she is my best friend in the whole world and luckily I now feel like I can tell her everything, but from ages 12-16 I found it really hard to open up because I felt embarrassed to be sad. I was a Musical Theatre student so being loud and happy was sort of in the job description, which is why when I did feel like the world was gonna implode on me if I went to school and when I felt so sad I couldn’t get out of bed for 3 days, I didn’t tell anyone, it was easier that way.

My mental health really deteriorated when I started sixth form. It was a new school and I was living in a flat with one other person. To be fair to him, he was my saviour and always tried to cheer me up with his horrendous dance routines. He would also cover for me at school and tell my teachers that I was feeling sick if I didn’t want to come in. I didn’t go into sixth form for a lot of the two years I spent there and I didn’t know why I felt so sad. It was really confusing for me.

All the books I’d read when I was younger didn’t prepare me for feeling this low. Ok, I felt sad so where is my equally depressed hunk of a boyfriend? Why am I not going on cute dates? And seeing a quirky young therapist? And really the answer to all of those questions is because what I’m feeling is real. I’m not a character in a book who is going to get swept off her feet and be cured, I’m not going to have the inevitable happy ending where nothing bad will ever happen again. I’m real. And that sucked.

I tried a couple of things to help: I googled how to not feel depressed and anxious (wikihow sucks) and I went to see my school therapist who always tried to name drop other students she was seeing to try and help me to make friends. I also went to a doctor who told me it was just my hormones, and yes whilst some of it can be blamed on my hormones, I also do just suffer with my mental health.

After I left sixth form, I became happier. I took time for myself, I went out with friends, I started reading books that had more of a realistic approach to anxiety and depression. I talked to my mum, I talked to my mum’s best friend, I started my diary and I tried to remind myself whenever I felt depressed or anxious that my feelings were valid and that ultimately I am still here.

I still have my down days. I still have moments where I can’t get out of bed because I feel sad, or I feel like deep down all of my friends hate me. I still suffer a lot but the difference is now I can talk about it. I don’t feel embarrassed to be sad anymore and for me that’s my biggest win.

I wish I could give you a reason why I was feeling this way and why I wanted it all to end, but I don’t and I know now that it’s ok. I don’t need a reason to feel all the feelings, I just do. My mental health is a part of me but it’s not the main part, I am happy ,confident, loud, bossy ,stubborn, probably very annoying and I just so happen to suffer but I won’t let that define me.

If you would like to share any stories you have about your own mental health that you feel will be beneficial for other readers, please email me at letusbecandid@gmail.com

Peace

Cadi x